According to Fertility Friend, I am officially in the midst of my first 2WW since my ectopic pregnancy - scary!
Time has absolutly flown by this past 3 months, which really has been a blessing. I remember feeling so put down when we were forced to take a 3 month break from TTC but it has given me time to reign my emotions in and get ready to hit this ball out of the park!
As previous blogs have stated, this is my first cycle using Fertility Friend - I guess I'm still a little cautious to trust it entirely, after all - could it really have sussed out my cycle before even I have?!
But, if I am to trust it - today is 3dpo. 3 days in to a loooong 2 weeks. I get insanely impatient.
I'm a bit gutted that we failed to 'BD' the day before the big O - seeing that has made me feel a little deflated. But ho-hum, there's always next cycle...
Monday 30 January 2012
Saturday 28 January 2012
Wednesday 25 January 2012
CD17 comes with a feeling of hope
Yes, 2 blogs in one day! The first, 'Pregnant Friends', I guess was a bit of a rant - a therapeutic release of words you might say!
So it's CD17 for me, and the first cycle that I've been 'charting/temping' and all that jazz. Some might find it strange that after over a year of TTC I've only just started to really monitor and get to know my cycle - I've always viewed it as an extra stress, perhaps even a passion killer? But I thought I'd jump on the band-wagon and see what it's all about.
I have no idea when 'O-day' usually arrives for me, and Fertility Friend suggests that it's still to come, but, as the title suggests, I'm hopeful. Not necessarily thinking that we'll conceive this cycle but hopeful that our time is just around the corner. Ooooo the thought just makes me buzz with excitement and joy!
Keep hoping, wishing and praying - our time will come.
Love C x
So it's CD17 for me, and the first cycle that I've been 'charting/temping' and all that jazz. Some might find it strange that after over a year of TTC I've only just started to really monitor and get to know my cycle - I've always viewed it as an extra stress, perhaps even a passion killer? But I thought I'd jump on the band-wagon and see what it's all about.
I have no idea when 'O-day' usually arrives for me, and Fertility Friend suggests that it's still to come, but, as the title suggests, I'm hopeful. Not necessarily thinking that we'll conceive this cycle but hopeful that our time is just around the corner. Ooooo the thought just makes me buzz with excitement and joy!
Keep hoping, wishing and praying - our time will come.
Love C x
Pregnant Friends
I'm happy for you, I honestly am. I support you and will continue to do so. But I'm begging you, please remember the heartache that I went through - it's still raw, it still hurts, I still find myself saying 'what if'. But yes, of course, I'm happy for you.
OK, so I spent most of the weekend with a friend that found out she was expecting 2 weeks after I did - difference being, she's still expecting, and me, well - I'm not. What I can't get my head around is how she seems to have forgotten already what I've been through - dragging me into baby shops, shoving scan photos in my face all the while my head is screaming, 'this should be me! I should be the one gawking over my scan photos!' Yet I can't bring myself to interrupt the happiness my friend is experiencing - I don't want to tell her that her over-the-top-baby-this-baby-that attitude is sending stabbing pains to my heart.
I closed the door behind her and cried.
And continued to cry. The first time in a month or so, and I obviously needed it.
______________________________________________
This journey, I can't describe it in any other way than a rollercoaster. And you know what, I reckon I'm on this rollercoaster for life, I think we all are. Life is full of highs and has it's lows, that's just the way it goes.
It will be our turn one day...soon.
OK, so I spent most of the weekend with a friend that found out she was expecting 2 weeks after I did - difference being, she's still expecting, and me, well - I'm not. What I can't get my head around is how she seems to have forgotten already what I've been through - dragging me into baby shops, shoving scan photos in my face all the while my head is screaming, 'this should be me! I should be the one gawking over my scan photos!' Yet I can't bring myself to interrupt the happiness my friend is experiencing - I don't want to tell her that her over-the-top-baby-this-baby-that attitude is sending stabbing pains to my heart.
I closed the door behind her and cried.
And continued to cry. The first time in a month or so, and I obviously needed it.
______________________________________________
This journey, I can't describe it in any other way than a rollercoaster. And you know what, I reckon I'm on this rollercoaster for life, I think we all are. Life is full of highs and has it's lows, that's just the way it goes.
It will be our turn one day...soon.
Tuesday 24 January 2012
My 'Negativity Fast'...
Unfortunately I seem to have quite a pessimistic streak in me—something that often drains me emotionally. This year however, I have decided it’s about time I change my attitude and really begin to focus on the goodness of God and how His goodness shines through even the most seemingly negative circumstances.
2011 wasn’t the best for me—I came out with a few emotional bruises, BUT my new found positivity has highlighted the fact that I’ve also come out with something valuable—absolute faith. It took a rollercoaster journey to open my eyes to the fact that I am never alone and no matter how dark earthly situations get, God’s divine light does not go out—it glows brightly; a reminder that He is there and that He does have a plan and a purpose.
My 40 day ‘negativity fast’ requires me to keep my eyes on God ALL times. I must declare His promises over my life everyday and have absolute faith that I’m in His hands. I must not ignore reality but rejoice that I serve a God bigger than anything that life may throw my way.
Living each day with a smile on my face and an overwhelming feeling of His presence makes life more than manageable—it makes it fun and allows me to be a light to others. Slowly but surely my pessimism is being defeated and it feels good!
I challenge any of you who struggle with negativity to join me in this and truly experience the peace and joy of God—I can’t describe it in words, so find out for yourself! :)
Love and Blessings, C x
(The book I am working through during this fast is: ‘Igniting Your Faith in 40 Days’ - Steve Backlund.)
Monday 23 January 2012
TCC Tag!
I stumbled on quite a few of these 'TTC Tag' vlog things on YouTube. Being a little camera-shy I thought I'd do the next best thing and blog my answers!
1. How long have you been TTC?
13 months (with a 3 month forced break due to an ectopic pregnancy in October 2011).
2. How many kids to you have?
None at the moment - hopeful that this won't be my answer for too much longer though!
3. How old are you and hubby?
I'm 22, hubby is 23.
4. How long have you been married?
It will be our 3rd anniversary this summer (June 27th)
5. What are some crazy things you've done while TTC?
Erm...I wouldn't say we've done anything particularly crazy - infact blogging about it is probably the craziest thing as I'm a very private person normally!
6. Does your hubby know all about the TTC cycle?
Ha! I'm going to say no.
7. Have you been diagnosed with any kind of infertility?
No, we know we can conceive - just need a little luck on our side for next time :)
8. What keeps you busy in the 2WW?
I tend to over-work in my 2ww - I guess to keep my mind off things a little, also, if I stayed at home I would find it hard not to take HPTs every second!
9. What day do you usually ovulate?
I actually have no idea - I have fairly long cycles (30-38 days normally) and only started charting this cycle - so I'll come back to you on that one!
10. What sex are you hoping for?
Well, hubby has his heart set on a boy. I really wouldn't mind either way although we have already chosen a name for a little girl...
11. How many pregnancy books do you have?
One: The Rough Guide to Pregnancy and Birth - Kaz Cooke
12. How many HPT's do you go through each cycle?
I limit myself to one per cycle.
13. What have you already bought for baby or pregnancy?
Nothing other than the book from question 11 :)
14. What themes/design do you want for a nursery?
To be honest, I haven't really thought about that - probably a pretty neutral theme though with lots of teddy bears!
15. Do you plan to do pregnancy vlogs?
vlogs no: blogs, yes :) (Edit: So, clearly my thoughts on this have changed! Check out my Vlog, link at the top of the page!)
16. Who are your favourite mums or TTCer's to watch on YouTube?
plus1please (Kelsey) and ItsMyTurnNow85 (Jessica)
1. How long have you been TTC?
13 months (with a 3 month forced break due to an ectopic pregnancy in October 2011).
2. How many kids to you have?
None at the moment - hopeful that this won't be my answer for too much longer though!
3. How old are you and hubby?
I'm 22, hubby is 23.
4. How long have you been married?
It will be our 3rd anniversary this summer (June 27th)
5. What are some crazy things you've done while TTC?
Erm...I wouldn't say we've done anything particularly crazy - infact blogging about it is probably the craziest thing as I'm a very private person normally!
6. Does your hubby know all about the TTC cycle?
Ha! I'm going to say no.
7. Have you been diagnosed with any kind of infertility?
No, we know we can conceive - just need a little luck on our side for next time :)
8. What keeps you busy in the 2WW?
I tend to over-work in my 2ww - I guess to keep my mind off things a little, also, if I stayed at home I would find it hard not to take HPTs every second!
9. What day do you usually ovulate?
I actually have no idea - I have fairly long cycles (30-38 days normally) and only started charting this cycle - so I'll come back to you on that one!
10. What sex are you hoping for?
Well, hubby has his heart set on a boy. I really wouldn't mind either way although we have already chosen a name for a little girl...
11. How many pregnancy books do you have?
One: The Rough Guide to Pregnancy and Birth - Kaz Cooke
12. How many HPT's do you go through each cycle?
I limit myself to one per cycle.
13. What have you already bought for baby or pregnancy?
Nothing other than the book from question 11 :)
14. What themes/design do you want for a nursery?
To be honest, I haven't really thought about that - probably a pretty neutral theme though with lots of teddy bears!
15. Do you plan to do pregnancy vlogs?
vlogs no: blogs, yes :) (Edit: So, clearly my thoughts on this have changed! Check out my Vlog, link at the top of the page!)
16. Who are your favourite mums or TTCer's to watch on YouTube?
plus1please (Kelsey) and ItsMyTurnNow85 (Jessica)
Wednesday 18 January 2012
Cycle 1 Day 10 (post-methotrexate) TTC
My 3 month wait is officially over! Hooray! My body seems to have got itself back into gear and I am currently on cycle day 10.
We've decided to have a bit more of a plan this time around (it took us 10 months to conceive last time around - but we took a very relaxed approach) in hopes that it improves our chances of conceiving a little quicker! So I'll be charting my cycles, taking my temp. each morning etc in an attempt to work out when I tend to ovulate ('O-Day'). I will try this for a few months - if it starts to become a bit of a chore and results in us getting at all stressed then we will go back to our relaxed approach straight away!
So - join me in my journey and if you're going through something similar then direct me to your blog, I would love to be a support and an extra prayer to anyone on a similar journey to us.
Love C x
We've decided to have a bit more of a plan this time around (it took us 10 months to conceive last time around - but we took a very relaxed approach) in hopes that it improves our chances of conceiving a little quicker! So I'll be charting my cycles, taking my temp. each morning etc in an attempt to work out when I tend to ovulate ('O-Day'). I will try this for a few months - if it starts to become a bit of a chore and results in us getting at all stressed then we will go back to our relaxed approach straight away!
So - join me in my journey and if you're going through something similar then direct me to your blog, I would love to be a support and an extra prayer to anyone on a similar journey to us.
Love C x
My Ectopic Pregnancy
So at 6 weeks pregnant, on October 15th 2011, I began to bleed - probably best described as mild spotting. I freaked out. It was the morning of my cousin's wedding and I just didn't know what to do - at this point I hadn't informed my doctor of my pregnancy so I had no information/no previous pregnancies to compare my experience to.
So I resorted to what the world resorts to: Google.
Looking back, 3 months on, Google-ing was not the best idea I've ever had. My tears would not stop.
Pulling myself together, I got ready for my cousin's wedding and as you can imagine, neither myself nor Matt (hubby) were in the mood for a wedding. But we managed the day and infact, had a lovely day with family and friends.
On October 17th I made a call to the local EPU (early pregnancy unit) and they booked me in for a scan on the 21st - during this time I continued to bleed, it gradually became heavier and my hopes diminished.
I had an ultrasound and a transvaginal scan which confirmed an ectopic pregnancy. Because it had been caught early, and my beta hcg levels were relatively low, I was booked in for a dose of methotrexate - a chemotherapy drug which induces misscarriage. I really struggled with the fact that the miscarriage was induced through choice - I know that the pregnancy was not viable (it was in my left fallopian tube) yet I can't seem to shift the guilt of officially ending the little life inside of me.
For those of you going through a similar situation, perhaps waiting for your shot of methotrexate, I thought I'd quickly go through what that was like as I know I got myself into a MASSIVE panic and didn't really have alot of information on what to expect. So, unfortunately, I had to go to the cancer ward of my local hospital to have the injections - I don't know if this is the same everywhere but where I am, it had to be given by a nurse specifically trained in chemo-drugs. Now, with a phobia of needles, I was terrified at what was coming - 2 injections, one in each side of my lower back/upper buttock. But let me reassure you - it was not bad at all, in fact, my first words after the first injection were, 'was that it?!'. There is a slight burning/stinging sensation about 10 seconds after the injection but that is all - and even that was nothing to be scared by.
My hcg levels went back down to <5 in 13 days and I was then officially no longer pregnant.
I was then told not to ttc for atleast 3 months - reason being that methotrexate strips your body of vitamins including folic acid - reduced levels of these can cause birth defects.
So that was my ectopic pregnancy - I've left out ALOT of details. Infact I would just like to add that I went through every emotion under the sun during October/November - anger was probably the one that stands out to me the most.
I'm writing this blog 3 months after my ordeal - if I had written it during the actual time, believe me, it would have been alot different - but I've come out the other side with a hopeful outlook for 2012.
So I resorted to what the world resorts to: Google.
Looking back, 3 months on, Google-ing was not the best idea I've ever had. My tears would not stop.
Pulling myself together, I got ready for my cousin's wedding and as you can imagine, neither myself nor Matt (hubby) were in the mood for a wedding. But we managed the day and infact, had a lovely day with family and friends.
On October 17th I made a call to the local EPU (early pregnancy unit) and they booked me in for a scan on the 21st - during this time I continued to bleed, it gradually became heavier and my hopes diminished.
I had an ultrasound and a transvaginal scan which confirmed an ectopic pregnancy. Because it had been caught early, and my beta hcg levels were relatively low, I was booked in for a dose of methotrexate - a chemotherapy drug which induces misscarriage. I really struggled with the fact that the miscarriage was induced through choice - I know that the pregnancy was not viable (it was in my left fallopian tube) yet I can't seem to shift the guilt of officially ending the little life inside of me.
For those of you going through a similar situation, perhaps waiting for your shot of methotrexate, I thought I'd quickly go through what that was like as I know I got myself into a MASSIVE panic and didn't really have alot of information on what to expect. So, unfortunately, I had to go to the cancer ward of my local hospital to have the injections - I don't know if this is the same everywhere but where I am, it had to be given by a nurse specifically trained in chemo-drugs. Now, with a phobia of needles, I was terrified at what was coming - 2 injections, one in each side of my lower back/upper buttock. But let me reassure you - it was not bad at all, in fact, my first words after the first injection were, 'was that it?!'. There is a slight burning/stinging sensation about 10 seconds after the injection but that is all - and even that was nothing to be scared by.
My hcg levels went back down to <5 in 13 days and I was then officially no longer pregnant.
I was then told not to ttc for atleast 3 months - reason being that methotrexate strips your body of vitamins including folic acid - reduced levels of these can cause birth defects.
So that was my ectopic pregnancy - I've left out ALOT of details. Infact I would just like to add that I went through every emotion under the sun during October/November - anger was probably the one that stands out to me the most.
I'm writing this blog 3 months after my ordeal - if I had written it during the actual time, believe me, it would have been alot different - but I've come out the other side with a hopeful outlook for 2012.
Behind the Scenes
OK, a more detailed insight into my TTC/Pregnancy journey thus far...
I'm 22 and have now been married for just over 2 1/2 years - 13 months ago, Hubby (Matt) and I decided that it felt right to begin trying for a family. And so our journey began.
Our 6th cycle of TTC came around SO fast and it was around this point that my impatient disposition really kicked in and the question 'When will it happen?' was always at the front of my mind.
Cycle 7, 8 and 9 came and passed. Alot of false hopes came and passed also.
Cycle 10 came, and my period was late - again I allowed for that hope to creep in and went out to buy yet another test. This one, unike the others, finally gave me the result I had been praying for: PREGNANT. In fact, here's exactly what I wrote on the morning of getting my BFP (big fat positive):
I'm 22 and have now been married for just over 2 1/2 years - 13 months ago, Hubby (Matt) and I decided that it felt right to begin trying for a family. And so our journey began.
Our 6th cycle of TTC came around SO fast and it was around this point that my impatient disposition really kicked in and the question 'When will it happen?' was always at the front of my mind.
Cycle 7, 8 and 9 came and passed. Alot of false hopes came and passed also.
Cycle 10 came, and my period was late - again I allowed for that hope to creep in and went out to buy yet another test. This one, unike the others, finally gave me the result I had been praying for: PREGNANT. In fact, here's exactly what I wrote on the morning of getting my BFP (big fat positive):
06-Oct-2011: I can't put into words how overwhelmed, emotional, excited and over the moon I feel - I've been waiting for this day for what seems like forever.
Being a mum and having a family is the one thing in life I have always known I've wanted. I've never known what career to follow, what course to take etc but having a family, it's my dream. And today, I finally feel like my dream is coming true.
Yesterday I took what felt like my millionth pregnancy test - I used to only buy the digital ones but this got too expensive, so yesterday's was a cheap-y ASDA one. After 5 minutes the FAINTEST of lines appeared and my heart skipped a beat. I was straight on to google - eager to hear if anyone else had ever 'had a pale line'...quite a few have it seems! There were a whole range of reasons why a pale line might appear but the most common answer? Your pregnant - a line is a line no matter how pale. But I couldn't let myself believe, scared of feeling the same disappointment I had felt month after month. So, I bought a second test - this time clearblue - I wanted to be sure.
I took the test this momring and jumped into the shower - I couldn't just stand there, staring at the test. With shampoo in my hair - it flashed up...'Pregnant 1-2 weeks'. 
I jumped back out the shower, shampoo still in my hair and revealed the news to hubby - his face I will remember forever.
And so it begins!
Wow, it's really emotional to read that back because, unfortunately, the excitement was short lived: the pregnancy was ectopic.
I jumped back out the shower, shampoo still in my hair and revealed the news to hubby - his face I will remember forever.Wow, it's really emotional to read that back because, unfortunately, the excitement was short lived: the pregnancy was ectopic.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)