Oh gosh...14+3...this is going fast!

Oh deary, deary me...I haven't posted since 9 weeks?! I can't even believe that - that has totally proven to me just how quickly this is going!!

Wow, ok...so alot has happened in these last 5 weeks...

My sickness/nausea got pretty bad and stayed that way until about 11 weeks and then I had a bit of a break. It returned again but has been much, much milder and easier to deal with.

At 12+5 I had my ultrasound - I was so incredibly nervous but bubbling with excitment at the same time. And it turned out to be simply amazing - I was in awe of this little person inside of me, dancing around, throwing their arms around, opening their mouth...it was incredible. All my measurements were perfect and I am currently wating for the results of the Down Syndrome blood test but going by the nuchal fold (I think that's what it's called?) everything seems to be ok. I won't get my results until my next midwife appointment (14th May) unless the results are concerning...if they were, I'm sure I would have heard by now...

I can't remember if I've already mentioned this, but I am a total needle-phobic - it's so embarrasing. Each time I've been in for blood draws I can just imagine what's going through their minds 'Can't handle a needle? How the heck are you gonna handle birth?!' But in all honesty, the thought of birth doesn't terrify me as much as the thought of needles...but maybe this will change as my due date draws closer...lol!

My 20 week scan is all booked for June 7th...can't wait for this as we will hopefully find out bubba's gender...although we are pretty convinced we know. Let me show you the photo from our 12 week scan...all you nub theorists will understand why I'm pretty certain what colour our bundle is:



Ahh, I could stare at that little pic all day :-)

So I think I've covered all the important bits...

Love and Hugs xo

9 weeks - Midwife and more vomit.

Eeek! I feel like I've been majorly slacking in keeping up with my blog and vlogs - but ho-hum, I'm here now and ready to roll.

OK, so after a lot of hassle (misunderstanding between myself and my doctor) I FINALLY met my Midwife this week and I LOVE her! She is so lovely, down to earth and just a genuinely compassionate lady - my kind of person! The worst thing about her? She gave me a MASSIVE pile of 'homework' to complete in 3 days - I'm talking form after form after form - and they literally ask all the same questions. Anyway, I had to complete them all before I meet her again (tomorrow). Because she normally likes to first see her mums at 6/7 weeks then again at 8/9 weeks we had to rush me along a bit as the first time I met her I was already 9 weeks so she squeezed me in again the same week to 'book me in'. This will happen at home and will include blood tests, going through family health history etc - exciting stuff ay! This really is becoming more and more real!

My main bother this week has been my back - sounds ridiculous me saying I have a bad back at 9 weeks doesn't it? But I've strained all the muscles in my lower back from being sick so often :-( Trying my hardest NOT to complain though as all the lows are going to be totally worth it in the end :-)

So, from the above you've probably gathered that yes, the sickness is ever present. But, this means that my hormone levels are high and going strong :-)

And that's that really - not much else to add!

Oh, I'd quite like some opinions on 'buying/hiring your own doppler' - so please comment below and share your views!

Love you all x

Pregnancy week 6/7

Vomit.
Puke.
Sick.
Scan.
Vomit.
Puke.
Sick.

I could probably end this post right now as the above sums up my week perfectly. But I won't, 'coz I know you want the details - no carrot, just bile. Hahaha, I'm joking. Am I?

Let me start with the scan - the highlight of my week/life.
Because of my history I was told that any future pregnancies would be monitored from as early as possible, so I was able to self refer to my local EPAU and book an early scan at 7 weeks.
It was AMAZING - overwhelming.
Obviously it was still very early so we weren't able to see any more than a 'blob' but that blob was our baby, our son or daughter, and we got to see the little flickering of their heartbeat - priceless.
Everything looks very good, bubba measured in at 6.6mm and the sac/pole looked normal. The sonographer did note that I had a trace of free fluid in my POD - but I've been told that this is nothing to worry about.
Oh AND the baby measured at 6w+4 :-)

I'm so in love, SO in love.


Okay, so on to my symptoms. For those that follow me on YouTube, you will know that I had been wishing, yes WISHING, that I would experience morning sickness. Reason being that I thought it would reassure me that the pregnancy was viable and that my hormone levels were good.
My wish came true. Yay?
I didn't actually realise that morning sickness would mean physical sickness, everyday. I thought it would just reveal itself in the form of nausea, nothing more. Wrong!
Yes, my head has been down the toilet a couple of times a day since Sunday - not pretty. But I wished for it.

I have also gone completely off fruit. Which is such a bummer as I normally love fruit. At first I thought I must have just picked a bad batch of grapes, then perhaps my banana wasn't quite ripe - but when I failed to enjoy strawberries I knew that was it - my tastebuds were no longer going to allow me to enjoy fruit :-(

Well, that's everything significant for this week I think.
Thanks for your support <3

Panic Over: For Now...

Phew! I can breathe again...

This morning I watched a new TTC vlog posted by someone that I subscribe to. It was titled something like 'why I hate digital tests'. The title puzzled me as I LOVE digital tests - they give you a clear answer: Pregnant or Not Pregnant. To make matters worse, the vlog was about my favourite brand: ClearBlue - even more puzzled...until I had finished watching.

This particular lady, like me, had an ectopic pregnancy last year. At the beginning of this year she was convinced that she was pregnant as she was experience many of the symptoms she had felt in her previous pregnancy. So she took a test; a ClearBlue Digital. 'Pregnant'. Obviously she was overjoyed, told her partner and booked in to have her beta levels checked. Her beta levels came back at 0. ?????

A week later, she took another test and again it came back as 'Pregnant'. She showed this to her Dr but yet again her beta came back at 0. She had gotten TWO false positives from her HPTs.

After watching this I decided to research it - by research I clearly mean I asked Google. I was shocked by how many other people had experienced the same! I was SO worried as I had gotten my positive from the brand that everyone was now saying not to trust.

Fortunately for me there is a Pregnancy Crisis Centre in the same block that I work in that my friend heads up. She gave me a free test, just a cheapy one.

Positive.

Praise the Lordy Lord!!

My heart really goes out to the people that receive false positives though - especially after trying for so long and even more so after experiencing a loss. To be given false hope; a false joy - that's not fair. Apparantly, these digital tests pick up all sorts of hormones during ovualtion and even around AF which can potentially result in these false positives. Shocking really.

5 Weeks; Excitement & Worry

Well, I am 5 weeks today!

I'm experiencing 2 very conflicting emotions; excitement and worry.

The excited half of me has:

• gone out and bought a 'Pregnancy Bible'. (I did have a pregnancy book already but it was quite a light-hearted one and I wanted a more serious, factual one!)
• bought a pregnancy app for my phone - BabyBump Pro
• put a widget on my phone that is counting down 'til due date
• told a few close friends (I did plan on only telling immediate family...)
• put how many weeks I am at the top of each weekly page in my work diary

Whereas the worried half of me has:

• NOT STOPPED WORRYING!
• continually noticed every little pain and cramp
• not gotten off of Google in an attempt to see if everything is 'normal'
• gone to the toilet every 30mins to check that I'm not bleeding
• taken more pregnancy tests just to see the word 'Pregnant'

I'm literally going insane. Help!

Best Birthday Present EVER!

Today:
Is my birthday!!
I'm officially 23 years old
I'm off work to celebrate the day with hubby!
&
&
&
&
WE ONLY WENT AND GOT OUR BFP!!!! Oh my life...my hands are shaking.

I'm so so happy right now, never in a million years did I think, after 14 months TTC and an ectopic pregnancy, that the first cycle since our forced break would result in the news we've been praying so hard for.

Wow.
Overwhelmed would be an understatment right now, for sure.

I just really need to say; I know that sometimes reading these announcements can make some people's hearts sink - just a little bit. I know mine used to. And I totally understand why. And I honestly am praying for those that I have connected with that your time will come - SOON!! Love you guys - thank you so much for the support you have given me in such a short space of time.

Now to open the rest of my presents....!!

10dpo come with a feeling of: Utter Impatience!

Yesterday kick started a much needed week off work with hubby. And what a delightful start it was: shopping spree! New clothes, galore! It was the first thing that has taken my mind off this bloomin' 2WW - literally, my mind feels like it has just about drowned in baby thoughts.

But that was yesterday.

Today, I have been a complete couch potato - I've spent the day on youtube watching TTC/pregnancy vlogs, on google researching early symptoms and ALL DAY trying to supress the urge to take a test - arrrrggghhh! I just NEED to know; if I'm pregant, FAB! If not, I'm inviting AF for dinner to officially get the next cycle rolling. Am I turning into a crazy woman? I definately wasn't this obsessed for the first 12 months TTC...

I guess my plan is to hold out 'til 12dpo - although I don't really know why I have decided that 12dpo is a 'sensible' test day. Why not 10/11/13/14/15dpo??

Oh, one more thing that I'm struggling with: resisting the urge to make baby buys. Maybe I should just buy one thing and that will make me feel better...? Either that or it will spark a manic baby shopping spree and I'll be drowning in both my baby thoughts AND actual baby stuff. Hmm.

TTC-ing; not an easy ride sometimes is it?

Lovage x

Twinges, cysts and 2WW...lovely combo!

Ergh! I am not enjoying being thrown back into the reality of 2WWs at all!
Firsty, Fertility Friend decided to move my O-day so instead of BDing O-2 and on O it now stands that we BD'd O-1 and O+1...not sure which is best really?! But hubby was pleased to hear that FF rated our BDing 'good'...haha!

So, I am now 4dpo and for the past 2 days I have been experiencing endless amounts of twinges and pinches...something I have never experienced before. My guess is - this is our first TTC cycle since the ectopic, I think I'm paying way too much attention to my body and therefore noticing every little thing! Isn't 3-4dpo a little early to be noticing anything 'significant'. I don't know? Someone tell me, please.

Also, 4 days ago (during the ever-so attractive ritual of checking cervix positioning...) I noticed a small lump/cyst...pea(?) on my cervix. This has totally freaked me out. But again, this is my first cycle of charting and for all I know, it's always been there and I've just never felt it before. Feel free to shed some light here also, please.

I'm really not doing a very good job at keeping calm and I'm only 4dpo!!

Breathe Chrissie, breathe.
                           _____________________________


Just an added thought: HPT-day will be falling on my 23rd birthday...

2WW - I really haven't missed you....

According to Fertility Friend, I am officially in the midst of my first 2WW since my ectopic pregnancy - scary!

Time has absolutly flown by this past 3 months, which really has been a blessing. I remember feeling so put down when we were forced to take a 3 month break from TTC but it has given me time to reign my emotions in and get ready to hit this ball out of the park!

As previous blogs have stated, this is my first cycle using Fertility Friend - I guess I'm still a little cautious to trust it entirely, after all - could it really have sussed out my cycle before even I have?!

But, if I am to trust it - today is 3dpo. 3 days in to a loooong 2 weeks. I get insanely impatient.

I'm a bit gutted that we failed to 'BD' the day before the big O - seeing that has made me feel a little deflated. But ho-hum, there's always next cycle...

Am I weird...

...for getting a little bit excited over EWCM...

haha!

CD17 comes with a feeling of hope

Yes, 2 blogs in one day! The first, 'Pregnant Friends', I guess was a bit of a rant - a therapeutic release of words you might say!

So it's CD17 for me, and the first cycle that I've been 'charting/temping' and all that jazz. Some might find it strange that after over a year of TTC I've only just started to really monitor and get to know my cycle - I've always viewed it as an extra stress, perhaps even a passion killer? But I thought I'd jump on the band-wagon and see what it's all about.

I have no idea when 'O-day' usually arrives for me, and Fertility Friend suggests that it's still to come, but, as the title suggests, I'm hopeful. Not necessarily thinking that we'll conceive this cycle but hopeful that our time is just around the corner. Ooooo the thought just makes me buzz with excitement and joy!

Keep hoping, wishing and praying - our time will come.
Love C x

Pregnant Friends

I'm happy for you, I honestly am. I support you and will continue to do so. But I'm begging you, please remember the heartache that I went through - it's still raw, it still hurts, I still find myself saying 'what if'. But yes, of course, I'm happy for you.

OK, so I spent most of the weekend with a friend that found out she was expecting 2 weeks after I did - difference being, she's still expecting, and me, well - I'm not. What I can't get my head around is how she seems to have forgotten already what I've been through - dragging me into baby shops, shoving scan photos in my face all the while my head is screaming, 'this should be me! I should be the one gawking over my scan photos!' Yet I can't bring myself to interrupt the happiness my friend is experiencing - I don't want to tell her that her over-the-top-baby-this-baby-that attitude is sending stabbing pains to my heart.

I closed the door behind her and cried.
And continued to cry. The first time in a month or so, and I obviously needed it.

                                   ______________________________________________


This journey, I can't describe it in any other way than a rollercoaster. And you know what, I reckon I'm on this rollercoaster for life, I think we all are. Life is full of highs and has it's lows, that's just the way it goes.

It will be our turn one day...soon.

My 'Negativity Fast'...

Unfortunately I seem to have quite a pessimistic streak in me—something that often drains me emotionally. This year however, I have decided it’s about time I change my attitude and really begin to focus on the goodness of God and how His goodness shines through even the most seemingly negative circumstances.

2011 wasn’t the best for me—I came out with a few emotional bruises, BUT my new found positivity has highlighted the fact that I’ve also come out with something valuable—absolute faith. It took a rollercoaster journey to open my eyes to the fact that I am never alone and no matter how dark earthly situations get, God’s divine light does not go out—it glows brightly; a reminder that He is there and that He does have a plan and a purpose.

My 40 day ‘negativity fast’ requires me to keep my eyes on God ALL times. I must declare His promises over my life everyday and have absolute faith that I’m in His hands. I must not ignore reality but rejoice that I serve a God bigger than anything that life may throw my way.

Living each day with a smile on my face and an overwhelming feeling of His presence makes life more than manageable—it makes it fun and allows me to be a light to others. Slowly but surely my pessimism is being defeated and it feels good!

I challenge any of you who struggle with negativity to join me in this and truly experience the peace and joy of God—I can’t describe it in words, so find out for yourself! :)


Love and Blessings, C x
(The book I am working through during this fast is: ‘Igniting Your Faith in 40 Days’ - Steve Backlund.)

TCC Tag!

I stumbled on quite a few of these 'TTC Tag' vlog things on YouTube. Being a little camera-shy I thought I'd do the next best thing and blog my answers!

1. How long have you been TTC?
13 months (with a 3 month forced break due to an ectopic pregnancy in October 2011).

2. How many kids to you have?
None at the moment - hopeful that this won't be my answer for too much longer though!

3. How old are you and hubby?
I'm 22, hubby is 23.

4. How long have you been married?
It will be our 3rd anniversary this summer (June 27th)

5. What are some crazy things you've done while TTC?
Erm...I wouldn't say we've done anything particularly crazy - infact blogging about it is probably the craziest thing as I'm a very private person normally!

6. Does your hubby know all about the TTC cycle?
Ha! I'm going to say no.


7. Have you been diagnosed with any kind of infertility?
No, we know we can conceive - just need a little luck on our side for next time :)

8. What keeps you busy in the 2WW?
I tend to over-work in my 2ww - I guess to keep my mind off things a little, also, if I stayed at home I would find it hard not to take HPTs every second!

9. What day do you usually ovulate?
I actually have no idea - I have fairly long cycles (30-38 days normally) and only started charting this cycle - so I'll come back to you on that one!

10. What sex are you hoping for?
Well, hubby has his heart set on a boy. I really wouldn't mind either way although we have already chosen a name for a little girl...

11. How many pregnancy books do you have?
One: The Rough Guide to Pregnancy and Birth - Kaz Cooke

12. How many HPT's do you go through each cycle?
I limit myself to one per cycle.

13. What have you already bought for baby or pregnancy?
Nothing other than the book from question 11 :)

14. What themes/design do you want for a nursery?
To be honest, I haven't really thought about that - probably a pretty neutral theme though with lots of teddy bears!

15. Do you plan to do pregnancy vlogs?
vlogs no: blogs, yes :) (Edit: So, clearly my thoughts on this have changed! Check out my Vlog, link at the top of the page!)

16. Who are your favourite mums or TTCer's to watch on YouTube?
plus1please (Kelsey) and ItsMyTurnNow85 (Jessica)

Cycle 1 Day 10 (post-methotrexate) TTC

My 3 month wait is officially over! Hooray! My body seems to have got itself back into gear and I am currently on cycle day 10.

We've decided to have a bit more of a plan this time around (it took us 10 months to conceive last time around - but we took a very relaxed approach) in hopes that it improves our chances of conceiving a little quicker! So I'll be charting my cycles, taking my temp. each morning etc in an attempt to work out when I tend to ovulate ('O-Day'). I will try this for a few months - if it starts to become a bit of a chore and results in us getting at all stressed then we will go back to our relaxed approach straight away!

So - join me in my journey and if you're going through something similar then direct me to your blog, I would love to be a support and an extra prayer to anyone on a similar journey to us.

Love C x

My Ectopic Pregnancy

So at 6 weeks pregnant, on October 15th 2011, I began to bleed - probably best described as mild spotting. I freaked out. It was the morning of my cousin's wedding and I just didn't know what to do - at this point I hadn't informed my doctor of my pregnancy so I had no information/no previous pregnancies to compare my experience to.
So I resorted to what the world resorts to: Google.

Looking back, 3 months on, Google-ing was not the best idea I've ever had. My tears would not stop.

Pulling myself together, I got ready for my cousin's wedding and as you can imagine, neither myself nor Matt (hubby) were in the mood for a wedding. But we managed the day and infact, had a lovely day with family and friends.

On October 17th I made a call to the local EPU (early pregnancy unit) and they booked me in for a scan on the 21st - during this time I continued to bleed, it gradually became heavier and my hopes diminished.

I had an ultrasound and a transvaginal scan which confirmed an ectopic pregnancy. Because it had been caught early, and my beta hcg levels were relatively low, I was booked in for a dose of methotrexate - a chemotherapy drug which induces misscarriage. I really struggled with the fact that the miscarriage was induced through choice - I know that the pregnancy was not viable (it was in my left fallopian tube) yet I can't seem to shift the guilt of officially ending the little life inside of me.

For those of you going through a similar situation, perhaps waiting for your shot of methotrexate, I thought I'd quickly go through what that was like as I know I got myself into a MASSIVE panic and didn't really have alot of information on what to expect. So, unfortunately, I had to go to the cancer ward of my local hospital to have the injections - I don't know if this is the same everywhere but where I am, it had to be given by a nurse specifically trained in chemo-drugs. Now, with a phobia of needles, I was terrified at what was coming - 2 injections, one in each side of my lower back/upper buttock. But let me reassure you - it was not bad at all, in fact, my first words after the first injection were, 'was that it?!'. There is a slight burning/stinging sensation about 10 seconds after the injection but that is all - and even that was nothing to be scared by.

My hcg levels went back down to <5 in 13 days and I was then officially no longer pregnant.

I was then told not to ttc for atleast 3 months - reason being that methotrexate strips your body of vitamins including folic acid - reduced levels of these can cause birth defects.

So that was my ectopic pregnancy - I've left out ALOT of details. Infact I would just like to add that I went through every emotion under the sun during October/November - anger was probably the one that stands out to me the most.

I'm writing this blog 3 months after my ordeal - if I had written it during the actual time, believe me, it would have been alot different - but I've come out the other side with a hopeful outlook for 2012.

Behind the Scenes

OK, a more detailed insight into my TTC/Pregnancy journey thus far...

I'm 22 and have now been married for just over 2 1/2 years - 13 months ago, Hubby (Matt) and I decided that it felt right to begin trying for a family. And so our journey began.

Our 6th cycle of TTC came around SO fast and it was around this point that my impatient disposition really kicked in and the question 'When will it happen?' was always at the front of my mind.

Cycle 7, 8 and 9 came and passed. Alot of false hopes came and passed also.

Cycle 10 came, and my period was late - again I allowed for that hope to creep in and went out to buy yet another test. This one, unike the others, finally gave me the result I had been praying for: PREGNANT. In fact, here's exactly what I wrote on the morning of getting my BFP (big fat positive):

06-Oct-2011: I can't put into words how overwhelmed, emotional, excited and over the moon I feel - I've been waiting for this day for what seems like forever.

Being a mum and having a family is the one thing in life I have always known I've wanted. I've never known what career to follow, what course to take etc but having a family, it's my dream. And today, I finally feel like my dream is coming true.

Yesterday I took what felt like my millionth pregnancy test - I used to only buy the digital ones but this got too expensive, so yesterday's was a cheap-y ASDA one. After 5 minutes the FAINTEST of lines appeared and my heart skipped a beat. I was straight on to google - eager to hear if anyone else had ever 'had a pale line'...quite a few have it seems! There were a whole range of reasons why a pale line might appear but the most common answer? Your pregnant - a line is a line no matter how pale. But I couldn't let myself believe, scared of feeling the same disappointment I had felt month after month. So, I bought a second test - this time clearblue - I wanted to be sure.

I took the test this momring and jumped into the shower - I couldn't just stand there, staring at the test. With shampoo in my hair - it flashed up...'Pregnant 1-2 weeks'. I jumped back out the shower, shampoo still in my hair and revealed the news to hubby - his face I will remember forever.

And so it begins!

Wow, it's really emotional to read that back because, unfortunately, the excitement was short lived: the pregnancy was ectopic.